I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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