Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize