you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
