I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
