I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
