My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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