why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
