I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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