considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
