I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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