the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
