Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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