Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
