She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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