im about as happy as oj after his trial
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
