Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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