I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I deserve this hangover.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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