We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
