The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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