I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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