Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
