Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
