oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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