Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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