If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
