I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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