I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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