I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
