Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
