I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dear god my vagina.
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