so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
