I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
