you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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