Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
