Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
