Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
