the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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