It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize