im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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