The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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