I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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