I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
