I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
