life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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