I wanna bring you to show and tell
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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