Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
