dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
