I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
