No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
