my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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