that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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