How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My ass is underappreciated
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
