Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
