Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's the barista slut.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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