Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize