I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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