Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
