Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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