Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
