He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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