he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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